Hi, Mom. 

Just uplinking to tell you I’m descending on target before nightfall your time. We’re in system already. The xenotechs finished their job yesterday. I feel pretty awful right now and you really don’t want to know how I look. But they say the stabilizer nanoes will kick in anytime now and I’ll be OK.

That’s not the worst of it. Remember how they said target selection was mostly random? What a barrel of laughs that turned out to be. The rumours caught up with me the very first day I arrived at the Shift Node out at Aldebaran. I refused to believe them. Thought the Agency would never sucker us into things like that. Turns out I was wrong. After the final clearance tests we got a briefing from the Local Group Administrator. And she said our targets had been selected on the basis of our mental and physical orientation. Which is just another way of saying they make it easy on themselves. 

I got Earth. Can you believe it? Over a thousand planets to choose from and me, after all the training and a decade of blood, sweat and tears, I get Earth! I didn’t know what to say. All the other Observers started blabbering away all excitedly over where they were going and what they were going to do there, and me, I slumped into a little pile of misery.

I filed a complaint. Of course, I did. I heard Renna – you know, the guy I hung out with before we left for the Node? – Well, he got Arcturus. And he filed a complaint, so I figured why shouldn’t I?

The Ops Chief was upset. Or faked it. What, she asked, was wrong with Earth? 

I told her exactly what was wrong with it. I mean, here’s a planet that names itself after its soil – plain old dirt. This place is overcrowded, dirty, primitive and downright dangerous. The death rate is horrendous. There’s not a place in the galaxy where life expectancy is so low. The Chief was puzzled about the primitive bit. So, I said:  “Aren’t they the lot that believes they’re capable of changing their climate by spewing a few tons of carbon into the sky? How primitive can you get?”

Besides, there’s no fun to be had on Earth. Of course, I didn’t tell her that. Duty and all that. We’re professionals, after all. A remark like that would have me back on the Node in a flash. Didn’t want that. Bad career move. I just ranted a bit more on how the Earthers kill each other off for the hell of it and persist on kneeling to gods they know aren’t really out there, just to be on the safe side. She gave me the usual Agency pep talk:  how primitive worlds were the ones we needed to observe most, how they offered the most interesting tours of duty and how previous Earth Observers had skyrocketed through the Agency’s ranks.

I didn’t buy it. So they set me up with the last of the Earth Observers. He’d been there a few decades and, truth be told, he didn’t look any worse for the wear. Of course, xenotechs work wonders. But he did sound cheerful, even nostalgic, when he gave his account of his tour of duty. “Listen,” he said, “this is your big chance. The Observer that was supposed to follow up on me last time refused to go. They kicked him out of the service on the spot. Earth has gone without an Observer for decades, now.”

“Earth,” I said, “is the last place anyone wants to go. It’s a hell hole.” 

The old Observer was a Pastinac. He jittered his tentacles a bit, as if shrugging. “That’s just a reputation. I had the best time of my life down there. Don’t worry, they’re not putting you down in any war zone or anything. You’ll be pretty safe, most of the time. The body takes some getting used to, with those bony fingers and the funny face and all. But you’ll get over that soon enough. After that it’s what you make of it. I had the run of the town, I can tell you that much. They still worship me down there. I plugged into the hum of the place and became a big shot. Called myself Elvis. Half the planet was in tears when I left. They think I’m dead, of course. I swear, the moment I retire I’m calling in the xenotechs again to give me a human body and I’ll go back.” 

He was contaminated by that little planet, alright. “Sounds like a direct breach of the non interference directive to me.”

“Like hell it does. Of course, you can’t go around handing out Star Prime technology or knowledge. But as long as you stay within the boundaries the Agency provides, you’re OK. They’ve got a saying down there:  When in Rome, do as the Romans do. These human natives, they love to get suckered into all sorts of scams. They’ll buy anything. Use that knowledge and you’re in for the greatest ride in your life.” He went on like that for hours, and Earth went from hell to paradise in my mind.

So here I am, ready to make planet fall, an Observer at last. It’s not like I had any choice, really. And if what this Elvis character said is even remotely true, I’m in for a great time.

See you, mom. I’ll uplink as often as I can. Watch this space.